Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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