I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
