Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
