i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
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mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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