My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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