Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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