Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
