My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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