hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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