maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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