My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
