I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
