TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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