ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
