that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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