She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
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You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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