I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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