My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
