If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
