we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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