dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
