my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
