She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
