I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
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The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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