Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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