We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
