i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
