Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
