You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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