I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
