So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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