Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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