This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
