The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
