You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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