My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
