sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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