dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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