Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
