Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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