If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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