how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
