uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
