wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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