Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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