I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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