She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
