The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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