if you like me you must not know who I am
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
