I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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