his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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