I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
