so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
