I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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