please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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