Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
