her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
