I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
