I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
