A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize