he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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